DOOM movie review
“Command received a distress signal moments before the base went offline.” “Daisy, play it.” DAISY: “PLAYING AUDIO” *WHATEVER YOU SAY, BOOMER!* *OKAY. BOOMER. WHATEVER YOU SAY, BOOMER!* *OKAY. BOOMER. WHATEVER YOU SAY, BOOMER!* ”What the f*ck was that?!”. Having recently completed the demon genocide simulator that is Doom: Eternal, while suffering only a mere two heart attacks and a partial re-arrangement of my rectum by Marauders - [Seriously though, f*ck these f*cking things!]. I thought it might be fun - and good for the algorithm, who knows - to check out the film adaptations of the Doom article game franchise.
There was of course the self-titled movie from 2005, a $60 million dollar critical and commercial flop, stuffed with plenty of cheese and ham courtesy of Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson. “Semper Fi, motherf*cker!”. And featuring a first person shooter section that wouldn’t look out of place in an Uwe Boll movie. Considering how scary that guy is I probably shouldn’t have made that joke. And more recently, there was last year’s straight-to-dvd Doom: Annihilation, which is to the Doom games as Hunt Down The Freeman is to Half Life. “Is that good?” “No.”. Are you f*cking kiddi- are you f*cking serious?! How is this a game that’s been made?! It’s blindingly obvious that the budget was roughly that of Bethesda’s QA department, because everything smacks of being cheap. From the guns that are conspicuously made of plastic.
The solders gear that looks like it was fished out of a bin behind an abandoned lazer tag. The camera being visible in the actor’s glasses several times. The make up and blood effects, which they probably stole from a Halloween party. The tacky-looking rubbery demon costumes. The use of different coloured lighting to try to mask the repeated use of the same areas, Weird choices for sound effects, like a rotary spooling sound over a weapon that clearly doesn’t have a rotating barrel. *Spooling barrel sound*. I could go on, but you get the idea. Although to be fair, some of the CGI is surprisingly decent, and certainly better than some other higher value productions.
I do sympathise with their situation, and it seems like they were trying to do a lot with limited resources, but honestly, sometimes less is more. At least, that’s what I tell my girlfriend. *sob*. The shoestring approach means that there’s no big names this time around. And the saying “you get what you pay for” definitely applies in this case, with their performances ranging from passable to wooden-and-stiff-as-treebeard’s-dildo. This is partly due to the writing, which is where the film really sh*ts the bed. “That bad's?” “That’s an understatement.”. The cast of characters - okay, they’re not even characters, just cliches with names that you’ll immediately forget - are utterly bland.
This is especially true of the female lead. I don’t care that they decided to have a Doom*girl*. We respect the whamens on this channel.
And Doomguy himself would make for a
Poor movie protagonist, let’s not kid ourselves otherwise.
But he’s capable of expressing far more emotion and personality than this plank without even showing his face. Whereas Doomgirl has approximately *three* facial expressions, and has no personality of which to speak. How do you make Rey (urgh) Skywalker look like a complex character?! Although occasionally the robot malfunctions. The script feels like a rehash of about six different better sci-fi movies, and is full of… well, article game movie dialogue, worn-out tropes, nonsensical moments and moronic characters.
I could have sworn I was watching a porn parody, but *that* I could have at least enjoyed. Oh and it tries to be funny, but fails. Except when it wasn’t trying. “F*CK OFF!”. This is another one of those movies that I could probably rip on for an entire hour, but I just don’t have the patience. [Whiny voice] “UGH, IT’S A VIDEO GAME MOVIE, THEY’RE ALWAYS SH*T, WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?! Nah. That ain’t gonna fly with me. Yes, a lot of them have been laughably bad.
"You’re alive!” “Too bad you… will DIE!”. But there’s no reason they inevitably have to be, with plenty of examples of ones that are at least decent…. Kinda? So that doesn’t excuse it from criticism. To its credit - I suppose - Doom Annihilation is closer to the lore of the games. Unlike the 2005 movie, it at least actually has demons. They look like fossilised devil turds, but they’re there! There’s plenty of references that those who are familiar with the games will pick up on, although I’m not sure that’s a good thing, because they sometimes get them wrong. And while there’s absolutely nothing wrong with putting in Easter Eggs like this, here they’re unbearably forced. “I’m their ultra nightmare!”.
If you are a fan of the franchise, this film will probably piss you off more than anything else, and there’s no reason anyone else should watch it. Except for people like us, who enjoy laughing at flaming poop mountains like this. And there’s more than a few laughs to be had. But before we rip and tear into this demonic abomination, it’s time to talk about this article’s sponsor: Filmora9. Trying to start a channel from scratch and getting to grips with article editing software and be really intimidating. I know it was for me. Filmora9 is an easy-to-use article editing software designed specifically with beginners in mind, and is a great choice if you want to make your thing but have no prior knowledge of how to make articles. I actually edited this integration entirely in Filmora9 on the same day I downloaded it, which should give you an indication of how easy it is to pick up, and comprehensive tutorials are included to help get you started.
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The film takes place on a research
Facility on one of the moons of mars, phobos.
Or “Pho-bus”.
“Pho-bus.”.
I’m getting those Hunt Down the Freeman vibes already. “Alive from Black MESAH!”. Anyhow, it’s owned by the United Aerospace Corporation. Not the Union Aerospace Corporation? I guess it makes more sense grammatically, but how could they get that wrong? ANYWAY! United Airways is carrying out experiments in teleportation technology. They send this “volunteer” through a portal between the facility and a similar one on Earth, but the results are roughly akin to watching this film. We’re then introduced to Doomgirl, very subtly named “JOAN DARK”, And her fellow colonial marine knockoffs. On board a ship carrying them from Earth to Phobos. Except they’re flying towards the Sun, which makes no sense….
As for the team, we’ve got Asian Vasquez-ripoff Li, Other woman Carley, Aussie man and Hudson-imitator Winslow, who exists to provide some comic relief and occasionally say what we’re all thinking, Black guy Logan, who’s black, says “motherfucker” and refuses to wear a helmet so he can represent with his bandana.
And some interchangeable redshirts. They don’t act like real soldiers, and I’ve seen paintball teams more convincing and competent than this. And certainly better equipped. Even their comedic interactions are a lifeless rendition of the banter they’re obviously trying to emulate from much better ensembles. There’s also the pilot, who’s an asshole for no good reason, is always drinking on the job, and is a perverted panty thief. Imagine an alcoholic Joker from Mass Effect but with none of the charm. The Captain, who is terrible at his job, tolerates a ridiculous amount of insubordination, and is essentially “two days from retirement”, in case you were wondering if he would live through this.
And Science guy Stone, who dated Doomgirl ten years ago before she moved on to some other simp. The Captain explains to them that the Phobos base is divided into three levels. And Stone tells them that it’s powered by a fusion reactor. “Because nothing bad ever happened with nuclear power!” “Well the moon poses more risk than the reactor!” "What'd you mean?" “Well Phobos is one of the most unstable environments in the solar system, that’s why they call it the Doomed Moon” "Cool!" “OH, HE SAID IT! HE SAID IT!”. Even for scientists experimenting with alien technology, knowingly putting a fusion reactor on a moon that unstable seems pretty f*cking stupid. They’ve been sent to provide security for the base, but it’s essentially a form of punishment for Doomgirl, who messed up somehow in the past, and the others aren’t happy about going along for the ride. Stone let us know that she’d been promoted to Lieutenant, which is a bit weird considering she’s being punished for insubordination. Why wasn’t she demoted and sent with them as a grunt? While Li finds her lucky pair of underpants, because that’s a thing, the Captain records a message to his family telling them he’s resigning after this mission and is coming home, as if this character you needed any more red flags! He also mentions how it’s impossible to dream during cryosleep, even though it’s very heavily implied that.
Doomgirl was dreaming during her cryosleep, so bollocks to that. Back on Phobos, chief scientist and discount Richard E Grant, Dr Betruger, which is a reference to Doom 3, wants to continue the experiments despite what just happened, because he’s our stock “mad scientist” who insists that “there’s too much at stake, he won’t let bureaucrats get in the way of progress… “blah blah blah”, you get the drill.
So with the help of rookie Dr Veronica, he puts himself through the portal. But something goes wrong, the base loses power, this guy gets killed by… something! And some nasty things come out the gate. By the way these scenes are ordered, it’s heavily implied that this happens right before the soldiers land at the base. The pilot hails the base after he’s landed, and not beforehand, which is weird, but alright. He receives no response, but Stone just happens to know that there’s an emergency entrance built into the landing pad, because he read everything he could find about the base because “he likes to read”. Okay… This is far from the only moment of plot convenience.
Mars Command tells them to enter the base and restore the power.
“Why is it important to get the base online?”.
Oh, I don’t know. Maybe… life support systems. Or the fusion reactor? Remember that?! “Some of the experiments are extremely high risk work and require very precise monitoring." "Even the smallest change could render years of work meaningless.". Or that. You know, priorities. And then they rip a scene straight out of Event Horizon.
“Command received a distress signal moments before the base went offline.” “Now we’ve been unable to verify live contact. But TDRS did receive this single transmission.” “Daisy, play it.” DAISY: "PLAYING AUDIO." *Screaming* “What the f*ck is that?!” “The f*cking hell is that?!”. Are you kidding me? There’s references and homages, and then there’s just outright plagiarism! The soldiers get suited and booted with their Starship Troopers skateboarding gear, and the captain packs a double barrel shotgun he just happens to have brought with him. “Can’t believe you’re bringing that weak ass sh*t.” “You got your toy. I got mine!”. And why is he not reprimanding him for not calling him “sir”? Can he at least *try* to act like a real officer? So they enter the base, and there’s a gaming keyboard stuck on the back wall! Why?! It looks so out of place! Did they seriously think this looked good?! The scientist sees that the reserve power is at only 2%, which gives them approximately 90 minutes to restore the power, otherwise the reactor will meltdown and the moon will explode.
“Lose the f*cking moon?!” “Who the f*ck designed this place?!”. Yeah, my thoughts exactly.
Also we don’t know what his specialty is or what he’s doing here. But apparently he can just do everything science-y because he’s the science guy. So they split into two teams, one headed to the reactor, and one to the server. “Hold on, Captain, I don’t think I should have to-” "HEY!" “I swear, Winslow, if you’re going to say what I think you’re gonna say, "I’m gonna shoot you in the face!”. WHAT?! You may have been lax in asserting your authority before, but you can’t do that! They move through the corridors which are too brightly lit to instil any sense of tension. And they use heads-up displays that bear no relation to the eyeglasses they’re wearing. On level 2, they find their first body. “Sgt William Blazkowitz.” "I do not understa-" “I do!” “I understood that reference…”.
Interchangeable expendable #1 finds some bloody writing on the wall, which he identifies as being similar to Sumerian. They mentioned a program that lets you learn stuff during cryosleep, but he didn’t use it to learn Sumerian, so he can’t read it, and it never gets brought up again, so it’s completely pointless! Why did they even bother to include this?! So they ask the ship’s AI “Daisy” to translate it. “WE HAVE COME TO RECLAIM WHAT IT OURS. THROUGH WRATH WILL COME JUSTICE." "THROUGH PAIN TO DIVINITY. NO ESCAPE THIS TIME!" “This is cult sh*t! This is fu*cking mad scientist cult sh*t!” “Winslow, shut up!”. When the comic relief Aussie is the most sensible character, you know you f*cked something up. The pilot runs out of booze, which is the first time any of the "good guys” have suffered a traumatic setback. A very obvious jump scare causes Asian girl to break off from the rest of the team without telling them.
“What the f*ck, Henry!”. If *he* triggered the lifeform detector, wouldn’t they all be constantly going off? Do they not have a way to mark friendlies, like in Aliens? That’s useless! Rosetta stone comes across a smurf zombie, and he becomes the first casualty. Subverting expectations, I see.
"Three two one!" "DON'T SHOOT! DON'T SHOOT!".
Why the f*ck would you just run
Out in front of nervous gun-wielding solders? this is what marco-polo is for.
Asian girl encounters another zombie and doesn’t hesitate to shoot it. While Aussie man takes out the one that killed Sumerian boy. “Dr John Carmack.
Geneticist." "What?!" "He’s a scientist here.” “That's a he! Like a f*cking human?!”. Why are you so surprised by that? Can you not see what he’s wearing?! Of course it’s not dead yet, because this is a horror movie, remember? “That’s what I’m trying to tell you. We have a… situation!”. Weren’t the soldiers supposed to be keeping watch?! These guys couldn’t guard a catflap… And what about the motion sensors?! Did they all spontaneously say “NO”?! So they get attacked by hordes of zombies, which are just the same five or six extras recycled over and over. They even wear the same clothes, for Christ’s sake! Sidenote - why didn’t they encounter any zombies on the first level, which includes the living quarters and should therefore be full of people? Did everyone just shuffle downstairs after they died? “I’m your ultra nightmare, motherf*ckers!”. They really used that same line twice? You deserve to die for that. The action that follows, as in the rest of the film, is decent when you consider the budget they were working on, but still nothing to write home about. She kills some of them with a chainsaw, because it wouldn’t be Doom without a chainsaw.
She didn’t even need to rev it up. Asian girl get shanked, while Aussie man cheeses it upstairs, and Doomgirl seemingly No-Clips to get up there before him. The other team retreats with the only survivors they found. which are Dr Veronica and the base’s Chaplain. While the Captain, who was right behind them, lags behind for no reason. They really wanted him to die, didn’t they? But he gets to use his super shotgun for about two seconds, before getting overwhelmed by zombies. “Where’s the Captain?” “He was right behind-” “Oh, f*ck!” “CAPTAIN! NO! NOOOOO!”. How could they not have heard or seen all of that taking place.
RIGHT DOWN THE CORRIDOR FROM THEM?! *laugh* What?! Back on the ship, the AI has a Shodan moment. DAISY [glitchy]: “I’m sorry Morgan, but I can’t let you leave.” “I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I cannot let you do that.”. Where have I seen this before? Oh right. Yeah…. Interchangeable guy finds Dr Betruger, who was playing dead. And they do the dead body jump scare again! And he explains that the portal technology they were experimenting with was built by some ancient aliens. And the way that he explains it is again reminiscent of Event Horizon.
"We call them Gates." "So what are they?" “They make it possible to travel between them without traversing the physical space between them.” “The ship doesn’t really go faster than light. What it does is it creates a dimensional gateway that allows it to jump instantaneously from one point in the universe to another light years away.”. This conversation drags on for a while, and they all seem to have forgotten that they’re supposed to be on a timer. You know, until the fusion reactor melts down? Anybody remember that?! Dr Betruger suddenly remembers, and refuses to let them abandon the moon, but Doomgirl tells him to get f*cked. As they make their way upstairs, the wounded chaplain collapses, which is their excuse for him to have a conversation with Doomgirl about the cross her mum gave her before she died, and how she lost her faith after that happened. Is this really the time to talk about this?! They go back to the airlock, and some of them go aboard the ship while the rest stay below to keep watch, which is silly because they could just go up and seal the airlock behind them. The Chaplain and Interchangeable Dude have a deep chat in a failed attempt to make you care about them before they’re killed.
Doomgirl gets attacked by a demon, which
Throws a fireball that causes no lasting damage to the environment.
The chaplain turns out to still be alive and saves her from having her soul sucked out before being killed by a fireball which again doesn’t leave any marks. The last minority left alive gets eviscerated. And that demon only dies after being pumped full of an entire armoury’s worth of bullets. They all return to the ship, and seemingly don’t do anything about the AI that’s obviously turned against them. That’s a pretty big deal guys, y-you can’t ignore that! “I’m afraid this ship isn’t going anywhere.” “Well that’s just f*cking great, Doc!”. Why? Why isn’t this ship going anywhere? Tell us! Betruger suggests using the gates to teleport to Earth. Doomgirl’s like “the hell with that, let’s wait here for Mars to come rescue us”, forgetting AGAIN about the reactor’s impending meltdown. “Reserve power is below 1%, we got 30 minutes tops.”.
For lack of a better plan, Doomgirl decides to restore the power to send a distress signal to Mars, and agrees with Science Man to not actually use the gates. The others are like “The hell with that, we’re not going back in the base with those things.”. Having again immediately forgotten that the entire moon is about to blow up! “Time's wasting. Check your ammo, reload and take extra. We move out in five!”. You’ve got half an hour left, what are you waiting for?! Also, does this base or their ship not have any escape pods? Or emergency shuttles? Who the f*ck designed this place?!”. They get down to the reactor room, encountering no zombies on the way this time, strangely. The scientist shows off his l33t hacking skills, because of course he has those as well.
"We're in!". Betruger now realises who Doomgirl is, and starts telling us that her f*ck up was that she disobeyed direct orders and released a dangerous criminal. He says he read their files before they arrived, and it wouldn’t take a rocket scientist to work out who she was, so why is he doing this now? It’s a clumsy attempt to add in some half-baked exposition and increase the tension between the characters. After Mr Robot restores the power, Betruger turns out to be a villain (what a shock) and seals them inside the room. This might have been averted if the soldiers didn’t have the awareness and reaction times of a comatose slug. Aussie man and Other Woman get killed by the rubber demons. The assault rifles prove incredibly ineffective, but Doomgirl’s pistol - which she manages to fire 31 times without reloading - gets the job done. Before she dies, Veronica gives her a yellow keycard to access a secret level.
Which of course Science guy knows about and of course already has one, and of course forgot to mention earlier. Doomgirl finally gets to use the blue keycard she picked up from that first body 45 minutes ago, And finds the BFG. “Of course no marine calls it that.” “What do they call it?” “The big f*cking gun.”. That could have been so much more dramatic and cool, but you just had to ruin it didn’t you? And it looks like a big super soaker with some plastic boxes stuck to it. And it doesn’t even work properly. This is not what the BFG does. THIS is what the BFG does. *shudder*.
Get it right! At this point, we find out that she let the terrorist go because she thought she knew best and wanted to be a hero. I really needed more information to understand her thought process there, but that’s all we get. They should have come up with a better backstory, because this one just doesn’t work considering what they’re trying to do with it. They have another brief conversation to give the Scientist some more depth before he’s laughably dragged out of the elevator. And the door refuses to open, because fuck the scientist, I guess! She goes down to the secret level, where we’re finally confronted with the combination of all the slaughter that’s been noticeably absent from the upper floors. While Betruger starts monologuing, she’s forced to kill the zombified Scientist. Betruger monologues again, which is pointless since he announces his intent to kill her. Villains gotta Villain.
“You can’t kill what’s already dead.”. Except for all those other dead things that they killed She gets pushed through the gateway and ends up in Hell. In my opinion, this is by far the most interesting and visually impressive scene in the movie. And it’s where the CGI is at its best. I’m guessing this is where most of the budget went. She encounters a demon lord, who goes on another villain’s monologue in that Sumerian-like language, as if she’s meant to understand it. Before the horde can tear her apart and invade Earth, the memory of her mother gives her the strength of will she needs to lay down some pain and escape. She ends up on the Earth facility, because Betruger told them to open their gate.
So she pleads for them to close it, but they don’t and some nasty sh*t comes through, in an ending that’s an obvious sequel bait. It’s unclear whether there *will* be a sequel, despite writer/director Tony Giglio’s enthusiasm. I’d be amazed if this film made its money back, and given how it was received, I doubt anyone is clamouring for a follow up. Hell, even Bethesda refused to have anything to do with its production. If only they always exorcised such good judgement. So yeah, that’s Doom: Annihilation, a film about which the most you can say about it is that it was more faithful to its source material than what came before. But otherwise, there’s nothing to appeal to anyone except die-hard Doom fanatics and bad movie aficionados. And, of course, rs.