MULAN movie

because … MULAN …

Oh yeah, sponsor me up, baby! *Shuddering*

“money… money must have " “need more… money! precious, delicious money?!…” *sigh* this movie broke me.

This movie is so bad that I

Had to stop making this article in order to avoid an imminent mental breakdown….

TWICE! So this isn’t just a movie review. This time, it’s personal. Bite that pillow Disney, because I’m going in dry. So Disney’s Mulan remake was a thing. That happened. And really shouldn’t have. After numerous delays resulting from the dreaded RONA, desperate to get some of their precious money back, Disney decided to squirt the movie in our faces via their streaming service Disney+ for the outrageous price of $30! And that’s ON TOP of the cost of a subscription! I’ve seen people defend this as being cheaper than a family ticket to the cinema.

But I don’t have kids! And I’m not going to the cinema! I’m sitting at home in my tighty-whiteys watching it on my filth-encrusted monitor, so I should pay an entry price that’s proportional to that. *No* film is worth $30, and this film is *especially* not worth $30. And this move was criticised by cinema chains, already reeling from the effects of the Rona. I was already rolling my eyes at the thought of another soulless, lazy live-action remake of one of my childhood favourites, and that business decision was the final nail as far as I was concerned. But a very kind soul paid for me to watch it and made a persuasive case. So I begrudgingly checked it out. And it’s dreadful. What a shock, right? Who didn’t see that coming?! But let me tell you, the Mulan remake is even worse than I could have imagined.

I’ve gotten angry at movies before, but I have never been this legitimately angry about anything I’ve covered. “Hey?” “Yeah?” “What the hell is this?!”. I feel pretty happy calling this the worst movie of 2020. That year did see movies that were more poorly put together, like Artemis Fowl. And there were movies that were more disrespectful to their source material…. Like Artemis Fowl. But there’s being bad… and then there’s being complicit in tyranny. That’s a whole new level of badness.

And the shameless conduct from The House of Mouse surrounding this movie shows them at their very worst. And even more stuff kept happening as I was making this article! It’s like a clowncar full of turds! Could you just not have been yourself for 5 minutes Disney?! We’re going to talk about the controversies, don’t you worry. Some of the subject matter might earn this article that yellow badge of sadness, so if enjoy it, do consider pledging your support on Patreon. Fortunately for my wallet though, we do have a sponsor…. Ridge Wallet! ‘Fortunately for my wallet!’?… This is my job…. Mulan might be a pain in the ass, but Ridge Wallet sure isn’t! Their light minimalist industrial metal design fits snuggly in your pocket and neatly holds up to 12 cards, with room left over for your cash! They’re available in over 30 colours and styles including carbon fibre and burnt titanium. They look better, they feel better, they’re more durable, and they’re more convenient than this chunky nonsense. They even let you test drive it for 45 days, you can send it back if you don’t love it, and each wallet comes with a lifetime guarantee.

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Before we dive into the deep end, we need to talk about the movie first. You might as well get comfy, because we’re gonna be here a while. Disney’s original animated Mulan movie from 1998 was and remains a classic. It’s an adaptation of the legend of Hua Mulan, a Chinese woman who disguised herself as a man in order to take her ailing father’s place in the army, and in doing so saved China from the invading Huns and brought honour to her family.

It had beautiful aesthetics, fluid animation, a well-written story, a truly aspirational protagonist, a cast of interesting and compelling characters brought to life with superb voice acting, plenty of good humour matched with genuine seriousness, and a memorable soundtrack with some absolute bangers.

(((Which unfortunately I can’t play for you for copyright reasons))). Is it perfect? No, there are some weird things about it, but it definitely ranks highly among the Disney Renaissance releases, and it’s my second-favourite in that category just behind The Hunchback of Notre Dame. But despite the movie being well received in the west, it flopped among Chinese audiences, who considered it - and especially it’s protagonist - to be too westernised. So when Disney set their sights on revamping it for some easy money, they wanted their slice of the fat China Pie, and so were determined not to let it flop again. In order to do this, they decided to make something closer to the original poem ‘The Ballad of Mulan’, which remains to this day an important narrative in Chinese culture. “Suggested by the narrative poem…” not even inspired by or based on? What does that even mean?! But I will give the remake credit for one thing - it isn’t just a carbon copy of its predecessor. Unlike The Lion King which was a worthless, cynical cashgrab with no redeeming value.

I appreciate that they were at least trying to do something a bit different. But make no mistake: this is remake of the animated movie, not a brand new movie based on the legend of Hua Mulan. Inferior knockoffs of scenes from the original have been ported over to this movie. And a lot of its characters are based on characters from the original. Even Ming-Na Wen, who voiced the animated Mulan, is given a short cameo. The music from the animated film has been translated into instrumental versions in the score. Hell, even some of the marketing is exactly the same! They were clearly trying to market this movie to fans of the original and pull on their nostalgic heartstrings. So the notion that this movie shouldn’t be considered a remake is complete nonsense, and it is perfectly legitimate to criticize it where it comes up short in comparison to the original.

Because if you’re going to remake something, you’d better improve it, or just don’t even bother. But they didn’t. Do yourselves a favour and just go watch the original, it’s so much better. This remake is what would happen if you took the original and left it stewing in a vat of milk for about twenty years. And then pissed on it. In fact, I’d rather watch Mulan 2 than sit through this remake again. Yeah, Mulan 2 was a thing, we don’t talk about it. In any case, the desire stick closer to the spirit of the Hua Mulan legend led them to aim for a much more serious, “realistic” tone than the animated movie, and to make sure the remake was more closely grounded in Chinese culture and history.

For example, the Huns are replaced by the Rourans, a real tribal confederation that attacked China around the time Mulan was meant to have been alive. They also removed the scene of Mulan cutting her hair, because as iconic and striking as it is to Western audiences, it was ridiculed in China because Chinese men also grew their hair long, so this scene doesn’t really make any sense. That sort of change I’m all on board with. You guys know how much I appreciate historical accuracy. But… they also got stuff wrong.

Hua Mulan, real or not, was from

Northern china, but the houses that this mulan grows up in were built in southern china around a thousand years after she was supposed to have lived.

This would be like having crusaders living

Glasgow council houses.

And apparently there are a lot more of these cultural and historical inaccuracies.

It’s better to hear a Chinese person’s perspective on these, so check out this article if you’re interested. I’ll leave a link in the description. But let’s just say it’s pretty obvious that the director, all four screenwriters and most of the crew were white-westerners. Dat Asian representation though! Anyhow, director Niki Caro said that she was trying to make the film in such a way that it could be real. Which is a very odd statement to make about a movie that includes a phoenix, witches and kung fu magic. Being charitable, I think what she meant was real in the sense that - say - Game of Thrones felt real. Even though it’s a fantastical story, it’s grounded and serious, and there’s no goofy kids stuff running around being distracting. And this is partly why they decided to remove Mushu.

Because as beloved as the Eddie Murphy-voiced comic relief character is, having him goofing around and making pop culture references wouldn’t really jive with that “realistic” tone. But more importantly, Chinese audiences didn’t really take kindly to Mushu, because dragons are important beings in Chinese culture. So having one as a goofball comedy sidekick felt a bit… offensive. (((*Cough* It could also be because Mushu was voice by a black man *cough* and China seems to take issue with that sort of thing *cough*))). I get why they’d remove Mushu, but they also have to understand why doing so would annoy a lot of people in the West. Because Mushu contributed much to the soul of the animated movie and why Western audiences loved it so much. The director said that “I think we can all appreciate that Mushu is irreplaceable.”. Which is obviously bullsh*t because she f*cking replaced him! With a Phoenix that acts as the emissary for Mulan’s ancestors, who are also unfortunately absent.

While being more sensitive to Chinese culture, this Phoenix has no personality and contributes almost nothing to the film except some pretty pictures. (((This shot is brilliant and should be shown in any film study class.))). They also removed the other comedy-focused characters, Cri-Kee the Cricket and the Grandma. Which is a real shame because especially the latter was responsible for some of the best jokes in the animated movie. “Would you like to stay for dinner?” GRANDMA: “Would you like to stay forever?!”. In general, there’s a dismal amount of humour compared to the original. You can have a serious war film that uses moments of comedy to break the tension, but this film not only fails to do that, but it also fails to make up for this absence of humour by being entertaining in other ways. The same is true of the soundtrack.

The songs from the animated movie are absent here, with the director arguing that people don’t usually break out into song when they go to war. Which historically is nonsense. What’s John Brown’s Body? It’s a Long Way to Tipperary? Erika? And the myriad of other soldier’s marching songs and patriotic anthems? These have been a thing for thousands of years, what are you talking about?! But usually I’d be completely fine with having no songs, because I often find them quite distracting.

But out of all the Disney Renaissance movies, I think Mulan has some of the best. All of them are exemplary. They don’t feel forced or inappropriate, and they soon as our heroes are confronted with the devastation of war, the songs stop immediately as they realise that the sh*t has hit the fan. The rest of the soundtrack, while being less striking, is still pretty good. The soundtrack they replaced it with feels like stock background music and is completely forgettable.

And its best parts are those taken from the original, as diluted into instrumental tracks as they are.

And say what you want about honouring

The music from the original in a significant way” but sprinkling in some of the lyrics as dialogue just feels like an insulting reminder of what was lost.

Because the removal of the comedy and the songs, are just the two most obvious examples of how trying to make the film more “real” has resulted in its heart being ripped out. Everything here is just more bland and lifeless, and I struggled to keep my own eyes open or care about what was going on. No better example of this can be found than the protagonist and her actress, Liu Yifei. Who is painfully wooden and stiff, barely registering any change of emotion until the very end of the film. They actually make a joke which had far more irony than they realised. “Xiu, look at my face, what am I feeling?” “I have no idea.” “Exactly!” “This is my sad face.

This is my curious face. And now I’m confused.”. There’s also that other thing, but we’ll get to that later. She may be a good actress, I have no idea, because the character she’s portraying is also flat and completely charmless, lacking the complexity and charisma of her animated predecessor. This Mulan is also more of an idealist. The animated Mulan was less interested in honour and serving her emperor and country, than in saving her father and her friends, as well as proving that she was capable. But that kind of individualism doesn’t sit well with traditional Chinese values, which emphasise duty, loyalty and collectivism. So, this Mulan is more explicitly a patriot.

“I know my place. And it is my duty… to fight for the kingdom…and protect the Emperor!”. No guesses at to why. Which might have been fine, but her personality is pretty much reduced to that, and it makes her less interesting and harder to get invested in. Her journey is also decidedly more boring. Animated Mulan knew she was unable to physically overcome the challenges in front of her. So she had to apply her intelligence to come up with creative solutions, train hard to improve her abilities, and even use elements associated with her femininity to defeat more powerful opponents. All this made her story interesting to follow and made her a grounded, realistic hero, one that audiences can easily see themselves in and even aspire to be like.

But this Mulan just has superpowers. Yup, they gave her superpowers. You talk about it being real and you give her f*cking superpowers?! She’s born with incredible chi abilities and even as a child, she barely needs to do any training to make use of them. She doesn’t need to use her brain, she just brute forces everything. Her character development isn’t about improvement, but about no longer holding back. So many people talk about this character being empowering and how the film is about female empowerment. But having superpowers isn’t relateable because it can’t be emulated. How is a little girl supposed to aspire to be like a character who has f*cking midiclorians!?! It’s also terrible writing, because regardless of gender, superpowers are an incredibly cheap way to make a protagonist strong.

A lesson that Disney repeatedly refuses to learn. It was boring and lazy then, and it’s boring and lazy now. And aside from feeling fear for about 2 seconds, she doesn’t have a single flaw.

Even in the matchmaker scene where she

Screws everything up, here the fault is attributed entirely to her sister.

Who exists only for this singular purpose,

Because perish the thought that our protagonist have even the slightest smear on her character! it’s gets so bad that she even tries to confess her secret to her commander, despite this being a stupid move that might result in her execution and her family’s dishonour… because she feels bad about lying! and they make a big deal about how much she has to struggle, but really, she has everything so easy.

Acceptance from her peers comes very quickly, and everyone falls in line with her when she needs them to. Because she’s basically a chosen one, and can never have anything go wrong for her. And I can’t imagine anything more yawn-inducing.

Moving on to the other characters - because holy sh*t we’ve still got so much to talk about-. The terrifying villain Shan Yu is here replaced with Jason Scott Lee’s Bori Khan. Who is boring and ridiculous in comparison, and still entirely one-dimensional. The Witch character who serves as a secondary villain is by far the most interesting part of the movie. In that she actually has more than one side to her character and even makes you feel a bit sorry for her. But they ruin it by doing the whole “We are the same, you and I!” bollocks! And then she dies for the dumbest f*cking reason. It’s such a stupid decision that I still haven’t quite managed to absorb it. Speaking of stupid decisions, let’s talk about Captain Li Shang.

Who they also got rid of, dividing his role between Donnie Yen’s Commander Tung and the love interest Chen. The stated reason being that they felt the commander-subordinate relationship between Shang and Mulan was problematic in light of the MeToo movement. Which makes no sense. There was never any romantic interest between them until right at the end, when he was no longer her commanding officer. And it was *her* idea, so consent and respect were always at the forefront. But not only is this a silly line of reasoning, but Shang has apparently become a bisexual icon because of his attraction to Mulan as Ping. So his removal got some of the LGBT community quite annoyed. Although I don’t think Shang was ever bisexual.

Men can show affection and admiration for each other while still being straight, alright guys? But do I think it’s really funny that Disney removed him in a pre-emptive attempt to be “woke”, but just ended up pissing off more people. It’s like they’re trying to play a social justice version of whack-a-mole. But it’s far more likely that there was a less progressive motive behind this change. Since China actually has laws banning the representation of gay relationships in media. So showing Mulan having romantic exchanges while dressed as a man may have triggered the censors. And we all know how much Disney really cares about the gays! That might be why this “romance” is so underplayed that it might as well not exist at all. And Donnie Yen, marshal arts legend that he is, is not a great actor, and doesn’t get a chance to do much in his role as the mentor figure. Same with all the other characters from the original.

Ping, Yao and Chien-Po, who provided much comic relief and assistance to animated Mulan, are here reduced to basically nothing, with very little screentime or character development. And you’d be easily forgiven for forgetting which of the three they’re supposed to be! Ditto with Cricket, who’s based on Cri-Kee. He has a couple of bumbling moments, but otherwise he’s pointless. The Chancellor, rather than being the representation of the establishment that Mulan is struggling against, as well as a comedic punching bag, here just spouts exposition and then gets possessed. That’s his whole contribution. And The Matchmaker is now just a straight-up bitch. In case you hadn’t noticed the trend by now, everything taken from the animated movie was made worse.

Everything! Including the scenes that were directly

Translated over.


Pointing out the same problems with all these scenes would get extremely repetitive. So to give just one example, consider the few scenes surrounding Mulan’s decision to leave for the army. In the animated movie, they’re very fast- paced, with all necessary information being conveyed briskly. Her decision is conveyed dramatically through a montage of striking images set to rousing music. And her family’s discovery of her flight also feels very impactful, and as tropey as it is, even the stormy weather is used to reflect the intense and terrifying feelings her family goes through. Here, she and her father have a long conversation about a sword, honour and courage, which feels unnecessarily dragged out. Her decision isn’t dramatic at all. There’s no montage, she just immediately dons his armour and walks away to more sedated music.

And as with the prior two scenes, the family’s discovery is more poorly executed, lacking any sense of urgency and feeling slow and boring. And every other familiar scene has been ruined like this to some degree. Even with that aside, the script is worse than mediocre. The story is a mess, and lacks the flow and solid pacing of its animated predecessor. The dialogue is often stilted, awkward and cliche ridden, and combined with a lot of bad acting throughout, made the film quite painful to watch at times. Although China has previously banned historical dramas for being “too entertaining”, so maybe they were just trying to be safe. But a lot of reviewers seem to have overlooked or forgiven these issues, instead praising its visuals and action scenes. It feels weird to call Mulan a case of style over substance, because that style is still bad.

And it genuinely makes me wonder how this film cost over $200 million dollars. And some of the action might seem ridiculous to western audiences, but this sort of fantastical martial arts is actually a staple of the Wuxia genre that they’re trying to emulate. But even by those standards, there’s some truly laughable stuff in here. And these sequences are poorly choreographed, executed, and edited, and riddled with bad CGI. Have these reviewers have never seen a *good* Wuxia movie? It’s like saying that Pot Noodle is a fine example of Asian Cuisine! There are plenty of other examples in this field such as Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, House of Flying Daggers, Hero, and Curse of the Golden Flower that did this kind of action far better and on much lower budgets.

Some reviewers have talked about how it was really meant to be viewed on a big screen, and that streaming at home just can’t do it justice. Which makes the fact that this was optimised for IMAX Theatres by far the funniest joke on display. If you *have* to rely on spectacle and flashy images to keep your audience entertained, then you’d better dazzle.

But what’s on offer here is not impressive at all, and certainly not enough to make up for the lack of redeeming value in other areas. *Sigh* I know I’ve already said a lot, but fuck me, there’s just so much wrong with this film. I’m surprised I’m still sane. Oh, but we’re far from done. There is a plethora of other issues, most of which I’ll now go through roughly in the order in which they occur. When Mulan demonstrates her ridiculous superpowers as a little girl, the villagers seem shocked and they shun her, but that’s it. Her father stresses to her that she’s not supposed to have these powers. “But Chi is for warriors, not daughters.”.

But if that’s true, why are there no further social or legal consequences for her demonstrating her powers in front of everyone? The scene where Mulan rides next to two rabbits is a reference to the Ballad.

But there it comes at the end

And helps to solidify the message of the story.

But here it comes early, feels forced

In, and is ruined by mulan clumsily explaining the metaphor before she’s even had a chance to do anything to make it relevant.

Her family tell her the Matchmaker has found her a match. “We have excellent news! The Matchmaker has found you an auspicious match!” “Yes, Mulan. It is decided.”. But I thought the whole point of the matchmaker scene was so that Mulan can be assessed and assigned a suitable spouse? Doesn’t this line make that whole scene redundant? Then during the Matchmaker scene, as I said, the blame is shifted away from her, and she uses her spider sense powers to catch the falling crockery, because of course she does.

But again, this obvious use of her powers never gets brought again up by anybody.

The animated father kept his ailment hidden, but here the father collapses in front of the soldiers. Which just makes the army look really stupid for accepting someone who is so obviously a liability. And his fall is unintentionally funny, so it ruins the moment. He lectures her about being brave after he’s gone to fight, but this long scene also feels redundant because we already had the scene of them arguing at the dinner table. If we’d skipped straight to her deciding to take his place, we wouldn’t be missing anything. “We are going to make men out of every single one of you!”. Oh f*ck off, you do not get to say that line…. During a spear fight with her love interest (and no that’s not a euphemism) she gets carried away and unleashes her chi, kicking a spear out of a guy’s hand - which he was conveniently holding horizontally right behind her - and then almost kills him with it! But for some reason her commander doesn’t talk to her about it until the next day.

Surely she just broke a whole bunch of rules and should be disciplined? Or even given a special role because she obviously has chi powers? But… no! Again, there are no consequences. He tells her she should cultivate her power, and then it just gets left at that! They keep making a big deal about her having to hide her chi, but every time she reveals it, NOTHING HAPPENS! Before they go to battle against the Rourans, Mulan gives her fellow soldiers a pep talk and they have a bit of banter, but it has very little impact because the film has done so little to establish their characters that we have no reason to care.

And the tactics they use during the battle are so stupid! Games of Thrones Season 8 levels of stupid! An army primarily made up of infantry engaging an enemy force comprised of skilled cavalry and horse archers on open ground in the middle of the desert? That’s suicide! Only a f*cking moron would give battle under these circumstances.

Bori Khan and his elite warriors fall back in what is obviously a feigned retreat, but the commander sends Mulan and like 7 other guys charging after them. WHILE THE ENTIRE ROURAN ARMY IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM?! He is way *way* too confident in her abilities. F*ck these guys though, I guess…. But they somehow avoid the Rouran army, only to get picked off with some Parthian shots. The survivors nope the f*ck out of there, but Mulan goes after Bori Khan alone because of course she does.

Which is the convenient device for her to have her first run-in with the Witch. Their fight takes place atop an encrusted sulfurus lake, but disappointingly, they don’t utilise this unique location for anything except visuals. Oh, but the visuals are everything AM I RIGHT?! After getting her ass kicked by the Witch - who doesn’t check that she’s dead, because of course she doesn’t -. Mulan sheds all of her armour, embracing her identity and refusing to lie anymore. Which is also what the Witch implied she should do, which was dumb of her to imply, but okay. Also, she’s shedding the armour that… just saved her life… anyone else see a problem here! So naturally, she rides back and single-handedly saves the day. Then the Rourans suddenly have a trebuchet. And of course it has pinpoint accuracy until the film needs it not to in order for Mulan’s plan to work.

Because they repeat the avalanche scene from the original, and conveniently there’s a mountain of snow right behind the Rourans, although we haven’t been shown this mountain before, at all. She gets behind them without being seen, I assume by teleporting. And relies on their stupidity and now convenient inaccuracy to trigger the disaster. And this wipes out the few Rourans that are there. Which you cannot tell me is the entire Rouran army! Aren’t they supposed to be a massive threat?! And if the snow is shallow enough for a horse to charge through like this, how was it capable of wiping them out? And how did the Chinese soldiers survive when the Rourans didn’t? They didn’t take cover behind anything - as in the animated film - so what protected them? A f*ckload of plot armour! After she’s revealed herself, the commander spares her life, but unlike in the original, doesn’t give a reason why he’s making an exception for her and there’s no argument about it.

But she’s so URNURABUR that she’d rather

Be executed, because of course she is.

Then the Witch does the “Join me and we can rule the galaxy as father and son” routine we’ve seen only a few thousand times before. Then tells her that Bori Khan will take the imperial city.

And on the basis of this Mulan strolls back into the army camp to tell them the Emperor’s in danger. She has no evidence except for the Emperor being the prime target because… no sh*t! In the animated film, her former friends very clearly dismissed her, still being affected by their cultural prejudice. It was only after she was proven right that they sided with her. But here their bias is overcome way too quickly and they all choose to believe her because she’s the chosen one, remember? Doesn’t matter that she lied to them for so long! As if this bit wasn’t insufferable enough, they rip off the iconic “I’m Spartacus” scene. “I believe Hua Mulan!” *PAIN*. And why didn’t they try to send a message to the Emperor to warn him? Even if it didn’t get through? At least give us something. And Donnie Yen even lets her lead them, like for f*ck’s sake! Bori Khan and his ninjas infiltrate the palace, while the Witch possesses the Chancellor in order to challenge the Emperor to a duel with Bori Khan, which he accepts! That’s so stupid! But it’s Jet Li, so I guess they have to give him something to do.

He walks into what was very obviously a trap, and gets captured.

Bori Khan tells the other ninjas to leave him alone, and to rack up more Dumb Villain points, he can’t resist stalling and doing villain’s exposition. Shan Yu never had to do any of this bullsh*t, and I’ve never missed him more. The Witch is so impressed that a woman is leading an army of men that she forgets that she’s meant to be the bad guy, says the “it’s too late for me” cliche, and leads Mulan to the Emperor. And then sacrifices herself to save Mulan because… she’s also a woman… who has power?! WHAT?! Superpowered women sticking together, is that what this is?! And Bori Khan seems to completely forget that Mulan’s there. Did you not look to see if your arrow took her down you f*cking idiot?! She defeats him, of course, although again, she relies on his stupidity rather than her own intelligence. And then she… I’ll just let this play. This is simultaneously the best and worst scene in the movie. It looks like something from Uwe boll filck.

How did this film cost $200 million dollars! *laugh hysterically*. Her normal soldier buddies somehow defeat all the superpowered ninjas, because… because f*ck it, that’s why! She has a really awkward goodbye with her “romantic interest”, so I guess that plot thread came to nothing. She initially refuses the Emperor’s offer to join his imperial guard, and returns to her village to honour her family. But his soldiers track her down and ask her again, which feels a bit redundant. And the ending leaves it ambiguous as to whether or not she accepts, which goes against the ballad, wherein she explicitly refuses and goes back to a normal life. So that’s one more point against direct adaptation. And I’m not exaggerating when I say that the end credits are more interesting than the rest of the movie. It’s like an intro from a Bond movie, and has the best music, for lack of anything else decent.

*Sigh* Told you we had a lot to talk about. As a movie, it’s debateable whether Mulan is the worst Disney remake, and that’s like arguing over which turd is the least palatable. I’d still say The Lion King is the worst just because it didn’t even *try* to offer anything original. But neither is Mulan the best, as some idiots have called it. It definitely ranks low among that hierarchy of shit. It’s like they were trying to do everything at once, and appeal to everyone at once, but failed to do any of it right and came across as incredibly disingenuous. They tried to nostalgia-bait Western fans while removing many elements that were responsible for creating that nostalgia in the first place! They tried to pander to Chinese audiences, but failed to get the cultural details right or deliver them an examplary example of Chinese cinema.

And then there’s all their worthless moralizing.

Although Mulan is progressive in at least

One sense: it shows that woman are just as capable as men of completely f*cking up a 200 million dollar movie! who was this movie was intended for? kids aren’t going to enjoy this because it’s boring, and it’s rated a 12, so i guess it’s not meant for them anyhow.

And fans of the original are going to hate it because of how much of an insult it is to their beloved classic. And who are these critics who are giving this piece-of-sh*t movie such glowing praise?! I guess retaining that early access to movies is worth putting up with the taste of Mickey’s arsehole! “As it was wrapping up, I was all set to say: 'Yeah, alright. 6 out of 10. Pretty good but only just pretty good.'" "And then they put down a bad guy in a way that made me go:" ‘Okay, that was awesome!’” “‘Okay, that was awesome!’” “‘Okay, that was awesome!’” “‘Okay, that was awesome…’” "That was straight up no grading curve Hong Kong 90s awesome right there!" "And for that, I bumped it up to a solid 7!".

What?! What?! What?! But let’s not kid ourselves, we all know it was primarily aimed at the lucrative Chinese audience. Because even if the film tanked in the west, the Chinese box office might still be enough to get Daddy Disney another gold plated mansion. The very opening of this film is a perfect metaphor for Disney’s approach.

Which explains almost all of the changes I’ve described. But what’s absolutely hilarious, is that the film got dunked on by Chinese viewers about as much as by Westerners! Remember those cultural inaccuracies I touched on earlier? Well, the Chinese did not appreciate them, slating the film not just for its bad quality, but also for its mishandling and misunderstanding of their culture and for once again being too Westernised.

And how the fuck did they neglect to include Chinese audio or subtitles on the Disney+ release of a movie primarily directed at the CHINESE?! Mulan flopped as hard in China as it did in the West. Which as far as I’m concerned is some well-deserved karma. Because Mulan has revealed that Disney are utterly morally bankrupt and willing to sacrifice their integrity for some extra money. Oh yeah, *now* we’re going there! This is where it gets gnarly. Disney likes to get political when it suits them, but their statements mean absolutely nothing. Terms like “Woke” and “virtue signalling” have been thrown around so much by braindead idiots that they’ve practically lost all meaning.

But Disney are the very definition of those terms as they were intended. Because in making Mulan, they claimed that they were trying to be conscious of various cultural and social issues. Such as #MeToo, Female Empowerment, representation, and cultural sensitivity. But at the same time, they were more than happy to suck up to an repressive regime. Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past few years, you can’t have missed what’s been happening in Hong Kong. But very basically, the people have been resisting the implementation of oppressive laws coming from Mainland China. And the heavy-handed response from the authorities caused the situation to spiral even further downward. And who’s that making comments on social media supporting the brutal crackdown?! Why it’s none other than Disney’s newest princess! Sure, it’s a communist dictatorship, and if you don’t tow the party line, you’ll have a family reunion in the gulag.

But she could have just said nothing, and we can’t dismiss the possibility that she was being sincere. But whether or not she was forced to say it, it’s still a legitimate reason for people to boycott the film. If they weren’t already boycotting it for being sh*t…. And it highlights Disney’s hypocrisy. They’ll fire a director for edgy jokes he made 10 years ago, but won’t lift a finger when one of their stars supports state brutality that is occurring RIGHT NOW! And it is utterly hypocritical to speak out against police brutality in America but refuse to condemn it in China simply because that’s where you’re getting your money from! “Ignore all that dirty western propaganda!” “They’re just jealous of our great leader, who is strong and brave!” “It’s all fake news! Go watch Mulan! Give us money! GIVE US MONEY!”.

Oh but it gets worse. Oh yes, somehow it gets worse! Although they adamantly deny it, the Chinese government is currently carrying out a sustained campaign of repression against the Uighur muslim population. Parts of Mulan were filmed in the province of Xinjiang, near the location of Uighur concentration camps.

Disney worked alongside four government propaganda departments in that region, including the one responsible for overseeing the camps, and thanked them in the credits of the movie! This would be like making Bambi down the road from Auschwitz and giving a shoutout to the SS! You know you f*cked up when politicians on both sides of the extremely-divided America unite to ask you: Bruh, what the sh*t is this?! “NOTHING TO SEE HERE! Ah , here:” “Female empowerment! Representation! Cultural sensitivity! Yay!” “NO! NO! STOP LOOKING AT THAT! STOP LOOKING AT THAT!”.

In response to this revelation and the resulting outrage, the Chinese government ordered major news outlets not to talk about Mulan, so as not to bring any more attention to the controversy. They even went so far as to remove ‘Mulan’ as a search term on Weibo, a popular social media site.

And given how much Disney was relying

On the film getting seen in china, this is *lip smack* delicious! naturally, disney responded with the usual cravenly corporate-speak.

Recognising that filming in Xinjiang… ‘caused them a lot of issues’! Well, cry me a f*cking river! Snivelling Disney voice: “Oh, but we had to work with the government in order to film there, it’s standard industry policy!”. Well don’t f*cking film there, then? Pathetic Disney voice: “Oh, but the footage we filmed there only comprised 78 seconds of the movie.”. Then why did you even bother filming there?! And why didn’t you cut it from the movie?! Absolute cowards. Disney could’ve said something, moved the filming elsewhere, or just not made the movie.

It isn’t only Disney that does this, of course. Much of the film industry cowtows to the CCP for fear of having their films banned and foregoing them sweet China bucks. But even by the standards of faceless profit-driven corporations, Disney has reached new lows of unscrupulous greed. Because god forbid this billion dollar company which is worth more than each of these countries should report a quarterly loss during the greatest economic downturn since the Great Depression! However will they cope?! And the worst part is: Disney went through all of this effort, all of this bootlicking, all of this controversial nonsense, *just* to sell us a sh*ttier version of a movie that already exists! I’m just- I’m so done! I’m so done with this f*cking movie! “Dishonour! Dishonour on your whole family! Make a note of this.

DISHONOUR ON YOU! DISHONOUR ON YOUR COW!”. In conclusion, Mulan represents many bad aspects of the film industry that we should really not be okay with, as well as everything I despise about modern Disney. I didn’t think my opinion of Disney could get any lower, but they keep finding new ways. I’ve previously criticised movies for ethical reasons, but this is a new level of immorality.