Kissing Booth 3 review

Coming soon… The Kissing Booth 3 review

hi, are you gonna review the kissing booth threeeeeeeeee?”.

Life… really is strange, isn’t it? Of

All the things i expected to be doing in my early-30s, ripping on bad teen romcoms for money ranked extremely low on that list.

Just above enjoying a successful relationship. I was still alive when the Berlin Wall was a thing. I am the definition of too old for this sh*t. And yet, life is strange. And just as a career accidentally fell into my lap, so too has The Kissing Booth accidentally managed to become one of my most enduring channel memes. *Knocking on door* [Quiet] “When are you going to review The Kissing Booth 3?”. CJ: “It’s that time again!”.

Damsel: "What's wrong?!" [Quiet] “When are you going to review The Kissing Booth 3?” “When are you going to review The Kissing Booth 3?”. CJ: “Oh, I have been looking forward to this one!” *Damsel screams* *Hai Yo plays* “When are you going to review The Kissing Booth 3?”. You can watch my previous articles on this franchise if you *really* enjoy seeing me torture myself, but here’s a quick recap for those who are mercifully not in the know. The Kissing Booth is a teen “romantic” “comedy” produced by Netflix and based on a book that originated as a story on Wattpad written by a 15-year-old. All the ingredients of a masterpiece! It follows high-school junior Elle, played by Joey King. Who really needs an intervention because holy sh*t does she keep making bad career decisions. For some laughably ridiculous reasons, Elle has to chose between her feelings for macho meatbag Noah and her friendship with his brother and moody little bitch Lee. Cue a load of stupid melodrama between characters who are so nauseating and unsympathetic that you’ll pray for an apocalypse to come and put you out of your misery.

Not to mention some *very* toxic and outdated ideas about “romance”. “Just get in the car, Elle!” “GET IN THE CAR, ELLE!”. Ah, I see you attended the ‘Chris Brown’ School of Dating. Watching these soggy humonculi thrash around in their spasms of immaturity was awful enough the first time! But to my utter horror, it was one of the most viewed movies on Netflix in the year it came out. And you know all what that means! Sequels… *GROAN*. The knowledge that there would be not one, but two sequels to this worthless dreck, sent me into the spiralling depths of depression. My levels of copium were off the f*cking charts. I refuse to believe that enough people are unironically watching these movies to justify making three of them.

My bet’s on this being a money-laundering scheme. Let us all now pay our respects to just *some* of the shows that Netflix decided to cancel in favour of funding three Kissing Booth movies. F’s in the chat, boys. *Gut’s Theme plays*. I’d rather be forced to explain who Chris Chan is to my naive innocent mother, than watch another one of these movies. That would be slightly less disturbing than knowing that Joey King has two NSFW subreddits and a page on Wikifeet. Yeah, remind me to never do research for a article again. Like, ever But I was powerless against the unending tide of demands to see me suffer, from which there was seemingly no escape.

So I covered the second movie too. My thoughts on which can be summed up thus: *Clears throat* *LOUD PUKING NOISES*. These movies have left their mark on me.

I can’t even hear the words “Kissing”

Or “booth” without having the mental image of these three incredibly punchable faces.

*LAUGHS IN CTHULHU*. NO! But this review was as inevitable as the third and final instalment, creatively titled. The Kissing Booth 3! Big Brain move there. And maybe now you will all finally leave me the f*ck alone… “Mate, review The Kissing B-Booth part three, you, like ” “It’s been a while eh? Hmm? You reviewed the other two, why not this one, eh? Hmm?" "Guess you’re too cccccccccccynical…[UNINTELLIGIBLE].”.

But if Netflix are going to milk this for all its worth, then so am I, goddamn it. 

*Bones cracking*. Fin. I know it’s been a month and a half since it came out, but I was on holiday, and there was no way I was spending any of my time off thinking about this cinematic smegma. I also hated this movie so much that it look me this fucking long to make the article…. Alright, that’s enough moaning about having to watch the movie. Now time to moan about… the movie. Aaaaaaaaaand…. It’s sh*t.

Thank you so much for watching folks! Massive shout out to everyone who submitted fan art, No, but really. It's really really sh*t. It ended up being the worst of the three. It’s also the worst kind of bad. It’s boring. The problematic elements have been toned down dramatically. And while there’s still plenty of stupid sh*t to sneer at, it’s much harder to get outraged this time around. But it’s also not entertaining either, so they didn’t improve in that regard.

It’s not the kind of bad you can laugh at, or get angry at. And what we’re left with is… nothing, really. At least having to sit on a pineapple for a hundred minutes would have provoked some kind of tangible emotional reaction. All this provokes is frustration and contempt. And if you were invested in these characters (which you really shouldn’t be), the story doesn’t even deliver an emotionally satisfying conclusion to this trilogy of errors.

It actually addresses some of the criticisms

I’ve had so far and comes *so* close to learning its lesson, only to then botch it at the last minute.

Like it was written by Joey from friends.

At least it’s 20 minutes shorter than the previous one, thank the sweet heavenly lord Jesus for that, I might have had to actually break out the horse tranquillisers….

But even though the movie is now a more tolerable length, the amount of padding is utterly unbelievable. If they’d really tried, this movie could have been condensed into ten minutes and then stuck on the end of the previous one. But this is Netflix we’re talking about. Where everything has to be either unnecessarily long, or unnecessary to begin with. I was incredulous at the amount of montages and utterly pointless scenes of the cast doing random activities. Elle: "YAY! So fun!" *Insincere laughter*. This was filmed back-to-back with the previous movie, so I guess they figured: “Why not have all the minor characters in this one too, even though they do absolutely f*ck all?!”. At least the cast were having fun, I guess.

But this only confirms my suspicions that somebody wanted to use a long party in South Africa as a tax write-off. “Oh, this is great!”. But it honestly felt like just they told the cast to mess around, filmed it, and then tried to write a story around the resulting b-roll. They’re the only ones enjoying themselves, because - shocker - the film is neither exciting, nor funny. Like, at all. *Laughs in Lee*. Another reason this movie is so dull is that they recycle the same stupid dramas from the previous movie. Like a rabbit eating its own sh*t.

Noah is still a meathead, Lee is still a emotionally-manipulative jizzrag, and Elle is still an idiot with no personality who’s torn between them because of those same juvenile rules they should have torn up at the end of the first movie! It’s the same nonsense that could be easily solved if all parties actually communicated properly and had an ounce of maturity.

They’ve had two movies worth of this already, so there’s no excuse anymore. And any conflicts that *are* new are so eye-rollingly cliche that all they’ll do is help put you to sleep. And it’s still impossible to give a sh*t about any of it because it’s all so petty and idiotic. And it’s all coming from people who’ve had everything handed to them their whole life. I wouldn’t say I’m struggling myself, but these privileged dickheads make me feel like Oliver Twist. The First World Problems are at their peak with this instalment. And it’s still impossible to root for any of these characters because they all still suck so hard! “Welcome to The Kissing Booth!”.

But despite the various ways they could have killed off or at least severely crippled these characters, they don’t. Which was disappointing…. It also doesn’t help that the acting, even by the standards of this franchise, is so bland and uninspired. Noah and Marco’s actors in particular are obviously phoning it in. They mostly stand around, awkwardly pretending to have romantic chemistry with this sack of mayonnaise. Knowing that Joey King and Jacob Elordi actually dated and then broke up in real life adds multiple layers to this cringe. “Really?”. Moving on to the "story", don’t expect too much serious analysis as we go through it because….

Well, come on! This ain’t that deep….

Like, seriously guys, what is there to

Break down?! the movie starts where the previous one left off, with elle having managed through the power of mary sue-dom to get into both berkeley and harvard universities.

And no, I will never get over that. After a montage of pointless crap full of ADHD editing to keep the TikTok generation happy, We see that Elle is putting off her decision about whether to go to Harvard with Noah or to Berkeley with Lee. A conflict which only exists because they’re following those stupid rules they made when they were children. Again, they’ve already had *two movies* to realise these rules might be causing some issues. And if Lee is still going to have a tantrum because she goes to a different university, then he’s a f*cking asshole! These films are obviously a weird fantasy for pre-pubescent girls, but here’s just one indication of how absurdly out of touch this story is. “So when we got back home, I got a job so I could make some money for college.”.

You haven’t been able to pay for college with a summer waitressing job since 1972. You can buy maybe two paragraphs of a textbook. “What does a girl gotta do to get water on table 17?! Come on, chop chop!” "Yes, ma'am, I'm on it!". Get it yourself, you lazy bint! But speaking of money, Noah & Lee’s parents want to sell their beach house where the kids spent every summer because the upkeep is too expensive and the kids aren’t gonna be around to use it. But they’re like “No, you can’t sell!”. Pay rent then, you little sh*ts! *Tsk* “You know what you sound like, mom? You sound like a realtor.” “That’s because I am a realtor.” [Muttering] I hate this character so f*cking much, you guys, you have no f*cking idea…. So they go to the beach house and get all nostalgic. Maybe if this were their main house that we’ve seen in the previous movies, it might have some impact.

But they’re trying to make us feel nostalgic for a house that’s never even been mentioned before. So it’s like, whatever. Cool story, bro. *SNIFF*. After montage #2, they convince the Flynns to let them spend one last summer there. Elle finally decides to go to Harvard with Noah, and of course, Lee runs off like a little bitch, upset that they won’t be able to spend time together anymore. This is because he and Rachel (who still has no personality of her own) will also be doing long distance, so all of his free time will be spent with her. MICHAEL BLUTH: “I’ve made a huge mistake…” "I can't just not be upset about this, Elle! Okay? You're leaving me!" *BABY CRYING*.

But Elle calms him down with…. *sigh* another f*cking list…. This time, it’s a bucket list of things they wanted to do together before they go to college, that they re-discovered while cleaning the house. Because following rules they made when they were kids wasn’t bad enough! Plenty of dumb melodrama and *WACKY HIJINKS* ensue as they try to do everything on the list and have the *HASHTAG best summer ever*! But one of the items is “Live together at Berkeley”, so… *Tongue click*. You done f*cked up there, didn’t you?! Montage number 3 is quickly followed by the inevitable house party. And then they get on with their carefully scheduled list in MONTAGE #4… *sigh* (We’re like twenty 20 minutes in now, by the way…). Wait, aren’t you supposed to be saving money for college? Do you have any idea how expensive diving with sharks is?! Marco shows up at her job, because we need more drama. And since Noah isn’t taking his shirt off every 5 minutes anymore, we need something else to make the panties moist.

So of course he’s a lifeguard! *YELLS IN LEE* *Blows whistle* “AIDS, EVERYBODY OUT!”. His actor is ten years older than his character is meant to be. Ju-Just felt that was worth pointing out….

Oh and Chloe comes to LA because

We need to have a friend for noah to confide in, and he doesn’t have any others.

Her parents are getting divorced, but just

Like everything else, it’s only here so one of the main characters can have a minor epiphany.

Noah tells Elle that he invited Chloe to stay at their place, and she says she’s cool with it. Then she tells him that Marco is going to help her with her bucket list, and he’s like: “Oh, okay then.” “That’s kind of a double standard. I mean, I was totally fine with Chloe.” “Well, I didn’t kiss Chloe.” “HOLY SHIT, YOU F*CKING KILLED HER DUDE!”.

Oh yeah, you did do that, didn’t you?! And you’ve still not apologised for that! As with all the other drama in this movie, the characters are partly in the right and partly in the wrong. It’s a trainwreck, and you don’t really care who wins. “I didn’t mean for that to come out the way that it did, I'm- I’m really sorry.” “It's okay. Let’s just drop it., okay?". Gotta love how he apologises for getting mad, but *she* doesn’t apologise for kissing Marco, which is INFINITELY WORSE! I- I ha- hate her so much…. Also, the characters regularly drink alcohol, even from bars, when they’re all still under the legal drinking age. Usually I’m opposed to snitching, but I’ll make exceptions. In other news, Lee befriends a guy who goes to Berkeley, and Elle gets a bit jealous.

"Catch ya later!". ELLE voiceover:“Was I a total hypocrite or what?”. Uh, yes. Yes, you are. She goes home to babysit her brother and runs into the woman her widowed dad is dating. “I just met her. She’s kind of annoying.”. Why is she annoying? She was perfectly nice.

And look who’s talking! After MONTAGE #5, they go go-karting, dressed as Mario and company, of course. Real original…. Noah refused to partake because he’s a tool. But Marco steps in for him, having helped Elle set this all up. Feeling threatened, Noah joins in for a bit of bump and grind. This sequence tries so hard to be fun that it’s just a bit pathetic, really. I’m also sorry to report that none of these crashes are fatal. Marco wins, and gets a trophy?! Why do they even have a trophy for th- ah you know what I-.

I don’t even care anymore…. Noah does his “ME NO TALKY ME ANGY” routine, and then gets mad at Elle for including Marco when he’s clearly still trying to get with her. It is kinda iffy of her to do that considering everything that happened, but again, they’re both sorta wrong. This is one of those ‘Yeah, let’s sit down and have an actual conversation’ moments. Which *could* have happened because Noah makes her dinner to apologise, but she’s like “Argh nooo, I have a bucket list thing!”. Are you f*cking kidding me bitch?! You wanna know what she ditches him for? A flash mob! I wish I was joking…. When I did a live reaction on , I was joking with the chat that turning it into a musical was the one thing that would make the movie even worse! A

And where would they possibly have found the time to practice all this, with everything else going on? *Clapping*. Yeah, no, they wouldn’t be clapping. This is annoying as f*ck. This whole scene is like a post on r/thathappened. Noah is understandably a bit salty. He did know about this bucket list though, so he should really have checked with her beforehand. Elle’s dad’s girlfriend picks up her little brother because she was too busy, but she responds by being an ungrateful little turd. Elle gets a bit overcome by all these problems that *she* created and vents to Marco.

Which gives him the impression that he can get a bit of the old ‘slip-and-slide’. As she’s closing down her workplace, Noah shows up with a rose and they do a slow-dance to a jukebox. The writers aren’t even trying to hide their lack of creativity. But Marco shows up and gets all sad that she’s slow-dancing with - you know - her *BOYFRIEND*! Because she’s trying to patch things up with Noah, Elle tells Lee she won’t have as much time for him. Which makes him upset. Obviously. Noah then finds out that she got accepted into Berkeley and was lying to them before when she said she was only on the waitlist. She calls Marco and puts him deep in the friend zone.

Pretty ballsy to be carrying your phone in the middle of a waterpark, mate! Then there’s *another* party. *Sigh* That was pretty much my reaction too. Marco shows up uninvited, which gets awkward very quickly. And then things get physical. “You still want Elle, and everybody here knows that!” “I said Shut up!” “So the sooner you get that through your thick skull, the sooner you can-” “I’m not doing this.”. Oh, just f*ck already! Instead of talking about it, he rides off into the sunset. Marco completely misreads the room and pleads for a crumb of pussy, which goes about as well as you’d expect. DUDE, WHY DO YOU EVEN LIKE HER?! She’s a histrionic hobbit with the personality of a binbag! Case in point, because of all this drama, she blows up at her dad’s girlfriend.

“Linda, you don’t belong here, no matter how hard you’re trying to.”. Wow. Wow- wow! What a massive c*nt! At least her dad finally puts her in her place. “She’s not mom! And she never will be! And I just think it’s selfish of you to even be doing it!” “I’ve spend the last six years of my live making sure that you and Brad you’re my only priority." "I put that part of my life on hold. I even took a job that I *hate*, to earn more money to help you with school." "And you stand there and call me selfish.” “No, Elle. No!” “Do you really think that you are the only person who needs love in their life?” “You have no idea how disappointed in you I am right now." (Yes, King!). The next day, she just *knows* that Noah’s at the Hollywood sign. What, is he living there now? Just sitting there in the hopes that she would show up? And yeah, you still can’t go up there, that’s not allowed.

They have a heart to heart, which is ruined by Joey King’s weird attempts to cry.

Usually that’s what she’s best at, but

Here it just feels weird, for some reason.

And then they break up.

Thank Christ. Elle and Lee had decided to steal the dance-dance machine from the previous movies, but because of this breakup, she missed the occasion. Which Lee handles in a mature and reasonable fashion. LOL NOPE! “Is that what you think this is about? The game-What do you think I’m five?!” “This isn't just about the damn game, Elle! This is about you fighting for our friendship!”. Urgh I can smell his soggy underwear through the screen “And I don’t matter to your really! Not compare to him! I NEVER HAVE!”.

OH MY GOD, JUST TELL HIM WHAT HAPPENED! Then she *finally* tells him and his rules to go shove it. Oh and then Marco ends their friendship too, just to pile on the pain even more. Rachel gets inspired by their breakup and dumps Lee because she doesn’t want to them to end up like Elle and Noah after trying to keep a long distance relationship going. I mean, yes, you should break up with him, but not for that reason! *Laugh* Of all the reasons you *could* have picked! This is all supposed to be really sad, but watching their relationships fall apart just give me a massive hateboner. “For whatever it’s worth, I want you to know that I think you are an absolutely brilliant woman”. Why? What possible reason could you have to think that? She makes up with her dad and his girlfriend, before saying goodbye to all the other characters with whom she had barely any relationship to begin with. ELLE voiceover: "None of them were perfect but in their own way " "Hey!" *SLAP* "Each was a big part of my life." "Wait, are they actually trying to make us feel nostalgic for the sexual assault?! What the f*ck And also to Marco, who’s headed to New York to be a musician. Alright man, enjoy busking on the subway for hostel money.

And then she patches things up with Lee. "It's just that I care about you both so much that I've spent my life, you know, doing what's best for our relationships." "But I haven't really spent much time figuring out what would make me happy.” “What are you saying, that I don’t care about your happiness?” "No!". I mean, based on your proceeding actions, yeah. Kinda…? Molly Ringwald brings up the very good point that Elle has no idea what to study at college, bases her decisions on what other people are doing, and has no personality. So she has to go figure that out. And so she does. In the last 40 minutes of the movie, there’s a surprising amount of soul-searching and legitimate character growth. It’s *way* overdue, but it was quite refreshing to see.

But just when you think you’re in the final moments, there’s still twenty minutes left. Not sure why they felt this franchise warranted an extended conclusion. Elle decides she doesn’t want to go to Berkeley *or* Harvard because that was based on being with one of them. And Noah and Lee accept that she has to be her own strong independent woman who don’t need no man. They’ve been dropping hints that Elle is a pro-leet gamer. DON’T YOU DARE BRING ORI INTO THIS, YOU F*CKING DEGENERATES!! So their idea of her forging her own path is to bullsh*t her way into USC to study article game design. At least it’s not MIT or something - I think I’d have popped a blood vessel. But it’s still ridiculous that she gets in having not prepared anything in advance.

Oh and Molly Ringwald decides to not sell the house, purely out of nostalgia. So I guess their finances aren’t an issue any more? Why would they keep the house, it’s just gonna sit there, empty?! And aren’t you going to talk to your husband about this first? That’s a pretty big decision that affects the both of you! After she finally makes up with Noah, we skip forward six years.

Although they all look exactly the same. Except for Elle, who’s cut her hair short for a bit of cliched symbolism. Although it just makes her look *more* like a genderswapped Frodo.

She’s now a article game designer, which

Actually, you know what, let’s just not.

comments are already cancerous enough. There’s an obligatory kissing booth, so they couldn’t get sued for false advertising.

And Rachel got back together with Lee, invalidating that one bit of character growth she had. And they’re engaged! For f*ck’s sake woman, what’s wrong with you! Elle reunites with Noah in front of an atrocious looking greenscreen! My god, why not just film this in a real set?! What was the point?! The ending is somewhat ambiguous, but I think it heavily implies that they do get back together. Maybe they’ve matured enough in the previous six years, but we barely get to see that. They don’t give us enough to suggest that they’re now compatible with each other. So as it is, this defeats the message that they just spent the last half an hour establishing. So yeah, good job movie! This epic saga ended not with a bang, but with an extended whimper. And after finishing it, I feel so deflated that I barely know what to say. We all knew this was going to be bad, but it’s like they didn’t even try.

I haven’t seen a trilogy ending this limply since The Rise of Skywalker. And with the lowest IMDB and Rotten Tomatoes Audience scores of the trilogy, it looks like even the diehard fans have had enough of this shit. The Kissing Booth movies are the archetype of lazy, stupid, ridiculous, boring teen garbage that’s just insulting to teenagers themselves. And they deserve to be confined to the dustbin of cinematic history. It’s all so nauseating, and there is so little here of any value or substance that going through this franchise has been utterly draining. But here we are. We got though it. We did it.

It’s done. *Deep breath*. The Kissing Booth 3 pretty much confirmed what I already knew and how I already felt about this genre. All these shitty teen movies aren’t just bad: they’re boring, unnecessary and totally uninteresting. And that’s why I’ve been mostly avoiding them for the past year or so. Just the thought of spending a serious amount of time and effort to make articles on one of these movies just makes me feel a bit dead inside. There are so many other things - both good and bad - that I’d rather talk about.