Santa with Muscles movie Review

Santa in town!

and i know if you’ve been naughty or nice.

There’s a lot I don’t like about Christmas. Excessive commercialism, obnoxious, repetitive Christmas songs, and of course, Christmas movies.

Now, there are some good ones. But for every holiday classic that I will always have fond memories of watching, there are tens of thousands of the same awful, bland, cookie-cutter forgettable piles of garbage shoved onto the screens so that some corporation can cash in on all that love for the Christmas spirit. And as fervently as I did ask Santa to have Emilia Clarke slide down my chimney and sit on my face, that doesn’t mean I’m going to drag my arse to the cinema to sit through yet another one of them! You can uh… you can tell I wrote that joke when cinemas were still a thing, eh… that joke did not age well! But rather than endure yet more stale corporate trash starring Vanessa Hudgens, as my Christmas present to all of you, and to distract us all from the godawful year we just had, I decided to search for and sh*t on the worst Christmas movie ever made.

Which seems to be this one? Oh god f*cking damn it! My search took me to some… interesting places but eventually I found a worthy candidate: Santa with Muscles. Starring Hulk Hogan… as Santa. “Merry Christmas!” [Sarcastic] “Ho-ho-ho!”. Yeah, this exists! And it’s actually kinda insane… *Screaming* *Possibly racist screaming*. Before Hulk Hogan was having his privacy violated and becoming partially responsible for the downfall of Gawker media, he was one of the most famous and successful professional wrestlers of all time.

And following the time-old practice of putting unsuited celebrities into movies to make some quick cash “STOP DOING THIS YOU GREEDY A**HOLES!”. Hogan embarked on a career in film and television, starring in such unforgettable masterpieces as 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain, The Secret Agent Club, and of course, this: which was released at the same time as Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Jingle all the way, and manages to make that film and it’s lead actor look Oscar-worthy in comparison.

*More screaming* “Thanks Ray.*. Hogan developed a bit of reputation for narcissism during his wrestling career, and apparently much of the film was re-written after he was brought on board in order to masturbate his ego. 1.14.40- “You’re not Santa, you’re better.”. Which explains some of the more ridiculous sequences found within. And to put it mildly, Hogan’s acting is horrendous. “He’s right!”.

When all the children are better actors than you, that’s just sad. “Does Santa have a mom and dad?” “I think so, but I can’t remember.”. Regardless of what the man in his mirror told him, he does not have the ability to carry the film, and the rest of the cast aren’t much better. Not that they were given much to work with. The dialogue and writing in general is abysmal. I’ve seen politician’s manifestos less far-fetched and unbelievable than this plot. And the comedy consists of bad puns, extremely unfunny jokes and poor attempts at slapstick humour. “I’m not going to let this guy get away with Santa Fraud!” “Santa, you *sleigh* me!” “Uhh….

I uhhh….” “I like to eat a lot of raindeer meat!” “DOH!”. SMOOTHBRAIN:“Oh but it’s a kid’s Christmas movie, it’s gonna be dumb.”. Silence, Smoothbrain! Get yourself educate! As you might expect, there are fight sequences, but they’re really sloppy and boring, which is odd considering his entire fame was based on pretending to fight.

“Afraid of heights, Santa?! I can cure

That!” “cure this!”.

There’s a whole bunch of other film-making issues too, continuity errors in particular. And a lot of the audio dubbing sounds off and noticeably artificial. *Random words”. There are so many little droppings that add up to create this gigantic turd pile that.

I can’t possibly cover them all. Fun bit of trivia though: this was the first feature film of both Mila Kunis and Brenda. Song. And one of the film’s executive producers was Jordan Belford, the subject of The Wolf. Of Wall Street! What a small world this is, am I right? Occasionally the film crosses over into funny-bad territory, but… not often enough to be worth a full viewing. I guess I must be a masochist. The things I do for you guys…. But wait, what’s that over there? It’s a sponsor.

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I love it. They even let you test drive it for 45 days, you can send it back if you don’t love it, and each wallet comes with a lifetime guarantee. So you can truly say, they’re “never gonna give you up.”. Streamline your wallet, and your ass-pocket, with Ridge. Get 10% off - with free shipping and returns - by going to ridge.com/cynical and using the code CYNICAL. Link in the description. So wait what were we talking about…? Oh yeah, this… *I’M PRETTY SURE THIS IS RACIST…*. The film begins with some narration by an annoying kid who sounds way too excited considering what she’s talking about.

“Dear Santa. How are you doing? I’m not doing so well.”. There’s a bad guy called Mr Frost - bEcAuSe Of CoUrSe He’S cAlLeD mR fRoSt - who’s trying to take over the whole town, including her orphanage. Because he wouldn’t be a true bad guy unless he tried to f*ck over a bunch of plucky orphans. His minions even steal their Christmas tree, a somewhat ridiculous way of establishing their villainy.

I was fully expecting to see them

Stealing candy from babies.

And then having s- with the babies.

Apparently, nobody can stop them.

What about, you know, the police, city council, any number of municipal bodies I’m sure could get involved. But no, she has to appeal to Santa for help. Who uh, who wants to break it to her? We’re then introduced to Hogan’s character sneaking around a mansion. “Never stop to smell the roses!”. But those aren’t roses though…. After a pathetic attempt to be stealthy, he gets attacked by a french chef, a psychotic mexican and a chauffuer resembling oddjob, complete with asian soundtrack, because the 90s were a simpler time. Okay, in this shot you can clearly hear the strimmer’s motor running, but if it were actually running, it would have ripped half his face off! Turns out these are his employees, and this is something he likes to do for a bit of light exercise. Why can’t he just go for run, like a normal human being! And what kind of perks does he offer his workers to justify beating the sh*t out of them every day! What if this went wrong one time and he ended up with a pair of garden shears through his f*cking nostrils?! We’re not even five minutes in and I can already feel the blood coming out of my eyes….

Anyway, Hogan is playing Blake, an narcissistic billionaire with an ego the size of John Hamm’s wang. Didn’t take much getting into character then? He’s also “eccentric”, which the film takes to mean being a complete dickhead. Since he’s a meglomaniac, he likes to make up rules to justify his being a total c*nt. “Here, rule number 105.” “Never lend a hand, you might need it later?” “Give them some of those protein bars, they don’t sell anyway. And Chaz! Don’t forget to-” “To write it off, Sir.”. Because the children this is directed at are going to know what that means! He then goes off to play paintball with these people. Whoever they are. “Let’s roll!”.

This idiot cop thinks they’re terrorists, so the police chase after them, while he shoots at them with the paintball gun. Good thing he has that rich white privilege going on or this could end very badly for him. He abandons his friends and runs towards the local mall to hide. Where, as it turns out, the grotto is missing its Santa. Why not just get one of the elves to wear a Santa suit? It’s not like they wouldn’t know the part! But this guy seems happy about the deal because he owes money to the bad guys. We never find out why, but the mad doctor is torturing this guy because he won’t sell them his store, so maybe he’s right to be concerned. Mr Frost appears over a television, even though he lives in the house and could have come outside, which means he’s probably a bit of a pussy. We’re then introduced to the rest of his motley crew of villains, straight out of a.

Saturday morning cartoon. These include a chemist who’s obsessed with gasses, called Mr Vial, gettit? A woman with electric hands is called Ms Watt…. I bet the writers thought they were really clever with that one. And a f*cking archaeologist! What’s his special ability? Boring people to death? While they presumably torture the guy some more, we cut back to Blake at the mall. He stumbles upon a Santa Costume, on a rack that’s been left in a very weird but convenient place. He easily fools the cops, but then he gets ambushed by a kid. This is the employee-only section, right, so why have they been allowed back there? Oh, you just had to put that in, didn’t you?! But he tells the kid to f*ck off. “That’s weird ”.

He did just assault that guy.

You should probably stop him for that alone.

He hides down a garbage shute, but then a Santa figure gets thrown down it, so he falls down, hits his head on a dumpster, and gets knocked unconscious. He gets found by the fat elf, Lenny, who was conveniently there. And yes, he is going to be Hogan’s sidekick for the rest of the movie. He’s horribly unfunny and they have no chemistry together, so you can imagine how that’s gonna turn out. While trying to steal his wallet (the c*nt) he discovers Blake’s identity. But he wakes up about a minute later with severe amnesia.

That is not how that works. But regardless , he’s completely forgotten who he is, and instead of taking him to a hospital, which he can see he clearly needs, Lenny convinces him that he is in fact Santa. “SANTA!” “Huh?” “You’re Santa” “No.” “Yes.”. So he’s forced to endure the worst form of torture ever devised by mankind… Children! Meanwhile, a couple of smooth criminals plot to steal money being collected for the orphanage, while the lady running the stall has fallen asleep, the irresponsible tart. Stealing it in broad daylight in front of huge crowds. What a brilliant plan! Who would ever suspect that this was anything more than an early Christmas food baby?! They drop it, and only Brenda Song notices. They say their Santa’s helpers, so she calls bullsh*t. And of course Santa f*cks them up.

“Watch out he’s got a candy cane!” “Watch out he’s got a candy cane…” It would just snap in half, surely. Yeah sure, enjoy the show! Don’t offer to help, or anything…. Rather than be satisfied with stopping their money from being stolen, he decides that he needs to go to the orphanage to help. And the old woman’s still sleeping, the useless waste of life. We cut back to the villains, and it seems that Mr Frost won’t leave the house because he’s terrified of germs. Not that this ever becomes relevant to the story. We see a quick overview of his plans to take over the town. After this poor bastard agreed to sell, he only needs take over the orphanage to complete his scheme.

But what about those other squares? Why doesn’t he need those as well? So the bad guys show up in an ice cream van… why?! Doctor Mengele here tries to persuade Leslie, the milf who runs the orphanage, that they need to move on. She’s like, nah, I’m good! And our “heroes” arrive just in time to see the bad guys tearing down their statue. There you go: vandalism, property damage! Call the police! The old black guy runs in front of the van. How the f*ck did he manage to get so far in front of it? And what is he trying to accomplish by waving his arms like a jacked-up toddler? You know what, I’ll play the whole scene, because you need to see how ridiculous this is. Even assuming that he’s super strong, either the back bumper would have ripped off, or these reprobates would have gone crashing through the windshield and probably died. But they don’t seem at all phased by the fact that he could stop a moving van. And he just lets them drive off, while he stands there making his cumface. They invite him in for dinner, going along with him being Santa, and not questioning it at all.

“Sure! They can’t start Christmas without me, can they?!”. Urgh, I’m only a third of the way through this… (NO! THIS IS THE THIRD YEAR I’VE TRIED TO MAKE THIS FUCKING VIDEO! NOW IT’S PERSONAL!). So they go inside, where he gets to properly meet Leslie, the caretaker Clayton, and the grand total of 3 children who still live in this orphanage.

That can not be cost effective.

“Yeah well, we’re pretty much closed down now.

We found homes for all the kids that we could.” “We’re the leftovers.”. Well, I mean, you are ginger, so that’s understandable. “Goodnight, Santa!”.

Is it just me or is that a little bit weird? Come to think of it, this place has some rather questionable practices. Like allowing these two men - who are complete strangers who definitely have not been vetted - to spend the night at the orphanage. “Uh… Mrs Klaus says it tickles. So I only wear it for deliveries.”. But you’ve still got a mustache, you f*cking idiot! After Lenny acts like a complete weirdo, in order to stop them from realising who Blake really is, he decides to steal Blake’s milk glass, so he can use his thumbprint to steal money from an ATM. Mila Kunis gives Blake a new Santa suit, which she altered especially. A news reporter shows up wanting to talk to the “Santa with muscles”. But when he gives the interview, it honestly looks like he’s wearing some kind of fetish gear.

And it’s even more stiff and awkward then the rest of his acting. “How did you get here?” “Uh…” “Rooster!”. Lenny tries to use the glass at the ATM, but it doesn’t work, because it wouldn’t. The Suicide Squad-rejects force him into their van, so Mr Frost can pressure him into making. Blake leave the orphanage. But he refuses, because “he’s still needed”. Soon the bad guys show up again. So he sends them backing after another badly choreographed fight, full of awful puns and… whatever that was.

After the fight’s over, they discover that the ginger kid has run off. “I think I know where he is!”. How? How do you know where he is? So he and Lenny “stealthily” make their way into Frost’s mansion. Where they find the Ginger Kid and overhear Frost talking about his grand evil plans. “So what’s under the orphanage?” “Electricity wires.” “Oh, the old catacombs underneath the church! The kids use them as a clubhouse.”. What do you mean, “Oh, the old catacombs?!” Why was that not the first thing you said?! So they go to the catacombs, where there’s a vault door to which the kids have partially worked out the combination. And he just so happens to remember the rest. Inside the vault, they find a chamber full of crystals.

Which according to Mila Kunis, put out electricity in response to vibrations. Which is why the church windows lit up when they sang an out-of-tune duet. They also explode when dropped. This is set in California. They have earthquakes all the time. How has this place not already gone nuclear?! This vault raises way too many questions, so let’s just move on. Blake’s starting to doubt that he is actually Santa, so Lenny’s like: “Yeah, maybe you’re not, but… let’s just keep pretending you are.”.

Could tell him you have his wallet

And know his identity? but no, because you’re a piece of sh*t.

Lenny then gets a checkup call from Mr Frost. These underground catacombs have amazing phone reception. The Doctor comes back, again, and holds them hostage with *laugh* is that a f*cking ruler?! Blake eventually comes back and chases him up the old belltower. So he’s not super-strong anymore? Oh wait, now he is strong again. Never mind. *Screaming, but not racist this time* *sigh* There’s a lot to unpack here. First of all, the Santa was moving back and forth, so why would it suddenly turn around like that? Second, how the f*ck did it push this 6ft 7 muscly guy around so easily? Third, the Santa’s already disappeared as he’s falling, and it has switched window, as you can clearly see. That window is the one facing the front door of the orphanage, which means he should have landed straight onto that concrete.

Which would have been a more fitting end to the movie. “The picture’s still not big enough…”. But anyway, he wakes up back in his mansion, after some time has clearly passed. So he can hit his head so hard that he gets amnesia but wakes up after a minute, but falling into a load of garbage bags knocks him out for a day? What sort of logic is this? He seems to have remembered his former self, but not his former c*nty personality, which is weird. He tries to phone the orphanage, but the Village people intercept the phone call and fake a message from Leslie telling him to f*ck off. So he disappears. And everyone is sad. Not sad enough to distract from all these product placements though.

But then the bad guys attack the orphanage *again* and take them all hostage. Alright, so their master plan all along was to take control of the crystals. Why not just offer to buy the orphanage? They evidently need the money, and he evidently has the money. But no, he has to be a dick about it! And he wants to make the children do the mining for him. That’s just horribly inefficient. And he’s now in a hazard suit because of the germ phobia. That’s how it becomes relevant, I guess…. Meanwhile, Blake is so depressed he doesn’t even want to beat up his workers.

Lenny calls to tell him about the bad guys plan before getting thrown out into the street. Instead of being kept hostage… why did they let him go?! “Let’s go spread a little Christmas cheer!”. The idiot cop from earlier recognises them and gives chase. They use their products to thwart the popo. Before they run into a roadblock and a cop pulls out a rocket launcher! I know this is America, but come on! So this absolute mad lad decides to drive straight at him. Predictably, the poorly animated rocket misses him and blows up the idiot’s car. “Which one of you turkeys is responsible for this?!”. I f*cking wonder.

And how is he not dead….

They break into the orphanage.

Guarded by guys with *more* big rulers.

That deadliest of weapon! He beats up the math nerds and frees the orphans. After rendering Doug Walker irreparably insane, he fights the electric dominatrix. And this stereotypical asian villain, who’s played by a white guy, by the way! I guess Scarlett Johanson wasn’t available. “You wouldn’t hit a woman, would you?” “He wouldn’t, but I would!”. Wow, that was..

that was brutal. This is a kid’s movie?! “It’s all there, except for a couple of bucks…”. So you’re okay with that…? Blake frees the adults and then Clayton takes this highly inappropriate time. To tell him that he grew up in the orphanage, as did Mr Frost. I don’t see how any of that is necessary. Is it not enough that he’s saving orphans? And that he’s basically Hitler? And do we really need there to be a bond between them? Especially when its forced in so hamfistedly and so late? It’s a lame attempt to make their confrontation more dramatic, but I’ll never take it seriously while he’s still wearing that f*cking hat.

Dr Dick wants to play patient with Leslie, so she and the kids lock him in the freezer. While Blake confronts Frost in the crystal chamber.

They each pull out crystals and start fighting with them. The same crystals that produce energy when vibrated. And explode when dropped. Did they just… forget about that?! But then the cave starts to explode and we get to witness some goddawful special effects as the orphanage collapses. Surely if the crystals ran underneath the town, not just the orphanage, there would have been a chain reaction that would have taken all these gormless f*ckers with it? And how is the doctor still alive? When did they get him out of the freezer? There’s no way he survived that. All the bad guys get taken away, and everything’s looking peachy. “But where are we going to go now?” To another orphanage, maybe? But Blake decides to turn Frost’s mansion into an orphanage. Because I guess he owns it now? The fat thief is still with them.

God knows why. They take a break from their reveries to make fun of condemned criminals. Twisted bastards. “Hohoho!”. I’m Hohoholding my breath so I don’t f*cking puke from all this forced positivity. Bah humbug, I’m done. That’s enough garbage for one day. I hope you enjoyed this experience, because I didn’t! Merry Christmas….

It’s been a very long year, hasn’t it folks? And- sorry, gotta take this off. It’s been a very long year, hasn’t it folks? And a very weird one, to say the least. Well as we approach its end, I just want to say a thank you to all of you for supporting me and this channel in 2020. Here’s hoping to better things in 2021. Because they can’t get any worse. Right…? Merry Christmas everybody, and I’ll see you in the New Year. If you liked the article, do give it a like and a share and all that good stuff. Last reminder about those plushies.